How Not To Email The LA Whiskey Society

Posted on Saturday, Jan 14, 2012 at 10:14 PM

Computer and whisky glass

We're not having an official meeting this month due to other whisky activities taking precedence. So I (Adam) thought I'd post something that's been on my mind. It is simply, this:

Who are you people that don't know how to send a proper email?

We receive a lot of nice emails at LAWS -- most are seeking whisky advice of some sort, many seek membership, a few just give us a nice pat on the back, and some are… uh… well, what would you do if you received the following?

From: [withheld]
Subject: funeral whiskey
I am looking for the absolute cheapest per ml./oz. whiskey, be it straight, blended, etc. Regardless of quality. I am an apprentice mortician in [locale withheld] and would like to offer complementary drinks in my business to family members of the deceased.

I'm not kidding. That was a real email. No, he wasn't joking.

From: [withheld]
Subject: Membership---
I am acquiring regarding your membership, please let me know how I can be part of the Team. Thank you

Okay, so that's just your basic, poorly-written email. But it's a terrible attempt at a first impression (and last). We get way too many emails like that. Is it because half of our readers are drunk? I don't think so. Even if I'm sipping a malt at my computer, I can still compose a coherent sentence (example: this one). Plus, there's a ton of info on our site about us, including hints on how to join. Nothing indicates that the following will be impressive:

From: [withheld]
Subject: "Member"-ship
Gentlemen, I would like to join your club.  Seriously.  As I sit here in my underwear, sipping (chugging) Taiwanese beer at 11:30 in the am --

That's as far as I read, but it went on for three paragraphs. Conversely, here's the entire email of another memberhsip-seeker:

From: [withheld]
Subject: Membership
I want to feel more important than I am...holding a tulip glass with my favorite single malt makes me powerful. 

I'd hate to see that guy's job application.

So from now on, when you send a stupid email, you will get an appropriate answer. First up, we have Mr. Cohen! He writes:

From: [withheld]
Subject: Hello
Interested in more info please. Thank you.
From: Adam at LAWS
Subject: Re: Hello 
Greetings Mr. Cohen, here is more info. Wombats are Australian marsupials; they are short-legged, muscular quadrupeds, approximately 1 metre (39 in) in length with a short, stubby tail.
Keep the good emails coming. As for the rest, I don't think I can do anything to deter them anyway.
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